Wake up, time to die.

With my counts continuing to sit at rock bottom with no change, my doctor decided to perform a bone marrow aspirate and biopsy yesterday. Not typical procedure in a patient still “recovering” from treatment, but given my cryptic leukemia, the fact that there was no detectable blast presence in my blood meant next to nothing. The only real way to figure out what was happening was to take a look inside the bones.

Preliminary results show a 95% presence of blasts (cancer cells) in my marrow. instead of the chemotherapy killing off the cancer and allowing my healthy immune system to move into the vacated space – the opposite happened, The cancer survived the attack but my cells didn’t, allowing the cancer free-reign to spread through the entirety of my skeletal structure.

I’m the process of setting up hospice care at home and expect to be discharged sometime in the next two or three days. I will try and contine to write  but can’t promise anything. I may not have much more than a few weeks left on this earth, I’ll be spending it with the people I love – doing the things I’ve missed.

Thank you all for everything you’ve given me on the way. All I can say is that despite my current condition, i’ve enjoyed a life with far more than most.

– Austin

  1. i sad after hearing your story

    • BAVESH
    • November 10th, 2016 3:24am

    Our son got diagnosed of leukemia when he was 2 and half years old.After 3 and half years chemo he got completely cured of this diease. After 6 months he had fever on and off.we did the bone marrow biopsy .The reports came clear of blast.After 15 days he developed fever but his blood reports showed everything in normal range doctor advised us not to worry and gave iv antibiotics for 2 days to fight infection. we went home and the next day we gave blood for investigation as he had mild fever that night .when we were waiting for his report at home he complained of difficulty in breathing before we rush him to hospital he passed away .after he passed away we got the report saying wbc 1 lakh and abnormal cells.He got relapsed.

    Doctor and all of us were so shocked .

    • BAVESH
    • November 10th, 2016 3:30am

    Letter to my son Bavesh

    Missing you so badly by Mom and Brother

    Bavesh Kutty

    It’s been almost 17days without you, and I miss you more each day. You breathed your last breathe on my lap.I saw your cute eyes closing and smiling tired face, I saw your spirit go,” Your sudden death has me confused, and still asking myself if your departure is real and forever. I ask myself: “How can it be that we are separated?”, “How can it be that you have left?”, “How can it be that I have to live without you?”

    You were the purpose of my existence .I passed all my painful fearful days by seeing your smile and care . On our family trip to pondichery we took you for a speed boat ride to Paradise beach during sunset. As you enjoy the sun, the waves and great company , breeze splashed on your face and flowed through your hairI. I got immersed in the beautiful smile on your face and I was looking forward to watching you grow, and continue giving you all the love and happiness you deserved more.Immediately after we returned from pondichery i booked air ticket for all of us to go to Munnar and Kodaikannal. Now that you are gone.My life has changed forever, but I cherish the 8 years we had lived together as a family . This experience has made me realize that nothing in life is guaranteed, and that your entire life can change within seconds. The only sure thing is that one day we will all die, and the rest is a mystery.Death and loss are inescapable part of life experience.

    Every day I feel the pain of missing you. I know that one day the mystery will be solved, and hopefully it will mean that we are together forever in a better place where pain does not exist and where happiness is guaranteed .

    Its been almost 60 days without you and i miss you more each day .your class mam celin gave you the trophy for the speech on your favourite game .you delivered the speech irrespective of your physical pain in the nurse room.You practised and learnt the one full page speech in just four days.How did you do that in such a physical pain?You asked us to permit you to go to school just for one day on July 15th 2016.We agreed with one condition to leave the class once after you delivered the speech.I still rememeber the releif you felt and how you looked at all of us when u left to school with your Dad and brother.

    There are two kind of personalities.there are those who have everything and still complain as if they have nothing.And there are those who lose everything and act like life has given them everything.I know our family members are all belong to the second category.

    It is the worst possible thing for a parent to see thier loved ones going in front of them and i saw it with helplessness.It may be true that our family had a tough time but that was not the only thing we had.Initially i was angry with everyone god,my gyneacologist,your peadiatrician ,my fate and so on….

    When we are angry we carry a huge burden on ourselves.I have already forgiven everyone.The disease ,the doctor,my fortune,everyone ,including myself.I learnt to forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace.

    Remember you as a child who had lived less in number of years but not in moments.My son will be remembered because he was the happiest soul and made his family, friends,teachers,neighbours ,maids happy too.

    When i look back into my life It’s like peeling, open an onion;the more we peel back the layers,the more we cry.And we are not going to get anything out of it.We dont know why this happened to our family .But when things are beyond our control we are not supposed to think much about it.

    Always your loving Mom who can’t accept losing you.
    Nithya

    Life is like a race.Birth is the starting point and death is the finishing line. You have run faster than us and so you have reached your destination faster than us. Though we are slow we will definetely reach the destination and meet you again.

    vignesh, your loving brother

    This is such a difficult obstacle that so many have unfortunately lived with in their lives. Time often heals wounds but something like this, I will tell you that this is a wound that is too terribly deep to ever heal.

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